Torn between raw life

I have been debating whether or not I should stick to a raw food diet or a cooked high carb vegan diet. It is mentally daunting to go out and experiment. However, I do not think that I am experiencing all the benefits from a raw diet. Sure I have clear eyes, great digestion. However, my acne is getting out of hand. I am starting to develop more acne than I have ever had in my life.

I am avoiding vegetables that I used to consume often such as: carrots, potatoes, sweet potatoes, broccoli, cauliflower, squash, mushrooms, cabbage, and chayote. I used to eat these foods in abundance and now I have started to avoid them.

I also don't think that it is healthy to spend so much time fixated on food. I constantly am aware if I am practicing proper food combining and if I am not, I start to panic and think, "aww man I am going to pay for this later". I automatically psyche myself into believing that I am not going to have good digestion or anything. It’s not right. Also, there are certain textures that I do miss and can't satisfy on a raw diet. I really miss bread. Some people take something so simple such as a PB&J for granted, however it’s the thing that I miss the most. I miss having a peanut butter sandwich. I also miss warm soups.

I am going to try my hardest to not eat any artificial products and make all of my food. However, it is hard. Mentally I think that I am bound to a raw diet. I feel like if I eat something cooked, I will gain weight like crazy and be miserable. However, it shouldn't be like that. I should be happy the way I eat. And to be honest, sometimes my food seems so boring. I don't want to eat a salad.

Concentrating too much on eating. I do think that I spend way too much time eating. I think that the body needs time to be able to digest and I do not give it enough time. I am constantly worried about "getting in my calories" and making sure I don't fall behind. However, I think I will just end up fat because I keep shoveling food down my throat. Then I have started coming up with bad habits such as eating when not hungry, always munching on something when on the computer, taking too much time preparing one type of food. It is honestly quiet sad. I want to be able to eat and go. I also don't want to be paranoid and I just want to be a healthy normal person.

Benefits that I will forever thank the raw food diet for.

1. The first and foremost benefit that I have discovered is that I no longer have a calorie fixation. I am trying to eat until I am full (and stopping there). However, as stated before I continue to eat, even when I am not hungry. I also tend to turn into a sloth because all I want to do now is sit down and eat.

2. I have discovered other passions in life; I now make running a priority and was able to complete my first marathon ever. This is all due to the mental power that I experienced on the raw food diet.

3. A greater compassion and connection to the environment. If it wasn't for this lifestyle I don't think I would have watched films like: Fathead, Hungry for Change, Earthlings, Dive, Fat Sick and  nearly Dead, Food Inc., etc. These films have educated me on the waste production, food production, and ethical treatment of our environment.

4. Health benefits: reduction of headaches, better sleeps, clear eyes, clear mental thinking, not so fatigued anymore.

5. New appreciation for pure fruits and vegetables. I now love to eat fruits and vegetables and find them appealing in their natural form.

However, I am still young and learning many factors of life. This was a chapter that has helped change me in a way. I was able to develop as a person. I evolved into someone who cares more about the environment. I do feel a bit of guilt for not staying raw; however I am going to maintain a high raw diet. Hopefully I will eat about 75-90 percent raw.

Through this experience many things from the raw diet that have affected my decision to go back to cooked follow:

1. No periods; I am not sure why but I feel that the lack of fat in my diet contribute to this. I do hope to have children in the future and don't want this situation to impede anything. Sure, I love not having to deal with a bloody mess every month; however I do think that women are meant to bleed--even if it is a short and light period.

2. Dry hair and skin; my hair is not as lustrous as experts claim it will become. I have a horrible dry skin problem. My hands are constantly cracked and they hurt so much.

3. Constantly worried about bad or improper food combination. I don't feel the liberty to eat what I want when I want. I psyche myself out of enjoyment.

4. The price of some foods is somewhat expensive. Dates can cost up to $8 a lbs. Lettuce isn't so cheap anymore. I can greatly reduce the cost by going cooked.

5. Family. I have encouraged my family to include more fruits and vegetables into their diet. However, I feel unattached to them because we haven't shared a full meal. I feel as if I am constantly deprived from certain situations and wish to be able to sit and eat what they are eating.

6. Outings. When I go out to eat, I want to experience the joy of trying something new. I haven't had the pleasure of trying new food or creations. What I eat does tend to be repetitive due to availability of ingredients and such. I do enjoy the food, however I crave something warm. Even something like a vegetable soup.

I will strive to continue to keep my life as pure as possible and not consume processed foods.