Perfection

There have been multiple times that I look into the mirror and just see the huge zits over my face, the discoloration in my skin due to sun damage, or even hating the shape of my body. There have been many times that I think to myself that I am not smart enough, not quick to think on my feet, not as sociable as the common butterflies that I observe in class/school. There is an overwhelming desire to be perfect. I am the oldest child in my family, my parents do not demand much of me however they still expect me to be a good role model.

The pressures that I put on myself are the greatest pressures that anyone has ever placed on me. My parents only want me to be happy and succeed in anything that I chose to do in life. My sisters will love me and respect me always because I am their "second mom". My friends--the ones who are real--accept me for the person that I am. However, I have a desire to be perfect. That same desire has led to many depressive episodes in my life that I still happen to battle. I have competitive personality where I happen to compare myself with people whom I admire (or envy).
What is perfect? Perfection is an unattainable goal that drives people mad. In order to reach this "goal" an individual ends up hurting those that they love and care for. They end up with less than what they started with.  

Because I have a competitive personality, I try to be the best person at school. When placed in a group project, I tend to take the leadership role so that the assignment would be done right and my grade won’t suffer. Unfortunately, my luck isn't so great and I always get stuck with peers who honestly just want to breeze through school and don't care about striving for their best. They are always passive and never put more than the minimum effort in the project. I also try to be the best role model for my young sisters. My siblings are all girls of the ages 11, 7, and 4. They are young and the world today is a sad place to live in. There is so much chaos and torture that they are exposed to on a daily basis that I just want to make sure that they have some type of direction to follow. I hope that they aspire to become successful and humble people in life.

I also try to be the perfect daughter. Helping my mother whenever possible. To her, she may not realize it or consider it to be a big deal, I owe my crazy schedule. I try to revolve my work/school/and internship schedules around my mom/sisters daycare and school hours so that I can help her out as much as possible. I try to make time to take them to school, pick them up and be there for them.

Sometimes it's very stressful because it leaves little time for myself. I try to do the basic chores such as cleaning the kitchen, restrooms, vacuuming, sweeping, mopping, going to the grocery store, making dinner when I am home or waking up 10-15 min earlier to pack my sister's lunch so they have something nutritious to eat. However, I feel that sometimes she takes it for granted. One day, she told me that she does everything quick and that I take my time for things. She was referring to the fact that I take "2 hrs on breakfast". But I eat my BF at the computer so I can catch up with reading or emails. It really did hurt. I felt that she didn't feel the effort I make to help HER. So my strive to be "perfect" intensified. I however, ended up miserable and tired. I was often lethargic and not sleeping properly. I would want to isolate myself and wallow in my on misery. I even went as far as ignoring my family, not wanting to be around them when I was home so I could finally have some "me" time.

I am now learning how to let go. I know that it isn't physically or mentally possible to be perfect. That strive led up to a dark place. I was lead to a world of starving myself as a punishment. There are more reasons to my anorexia, however, the strive for perfection was the main one. It was a dark and ugly place that I wish never to return to. I also hope that no one else follows through the same experience. I am not going to lie. To this day, I still look in the mirror and am disgusted with what I see. However, those days are being outnumbered. I have to remember that I have a wonderful family who accepts me and LOVES me no matter what. They will tell me when I am unhealthy or wallowing in my own pity. They will help me when something traumatic happens in my life and support me. That is what perfection now means to me, to have a people who support you despite the circumstances.  

We are all our own individuals, so if we were all perfect, there would be no excitement in life. There would be no reason to work. What dietician would have to consult a patient if everyone ate a perfect diet? What surgeon would have to operate a broken knee from an accident? What need would there to create new programs, toys, reforms, inventions if we would have everything we need. Perfection is a lie. Our lives strive on our mistakes. Our flaws run society; it helps us see what is wrong. 

So now, I try not to concentrate on my acne, on my dry skin, or even on the mismatched socks that I wear. I strive to motivate myself to be a human. One of a kind, one that doesn't cause harm to others (unless needed lol). I strive to make something out of myself, something where I am happy. That is why no one should strive to be perfect, we should all try to concentrate on bringing peace to our souls.