Eating disorders

Something that is growing extremely common in society is the high rise of individuals growing with eating disorders. I can first handedly say that it’s something horrible to talk/think about. I used to suffer from anorexia athletica. As in a previous post, my drive for perfection left me with a deadly disease. However, I got help before it spiraled out of control.

So first thing is first. I grew up as a fat kid. No, not chubby, not baby fat, I was classified as obese. I joke about it now, but reflecting on what was happening, it’s not a funny situation. I was letting myself deteriorate and was eating myself into a grave. I was an adolescent, never very social, I hated athletics. My favorite past-time was eating. I would race home from school and eat a full sized bag of Doritos and sit in front of the television and drown a 2 liter bottle of Coke for hours on end. I would eat everything that was considered bad; cupcakes, granola, ice cream, popcorn, sugar laden snacks. Everything that was sweet and gooey didn't stand a chance. I loved fast food. I looked forward to food.

Then in high school I started exercising. I dreaded "marathon Mondays" where we were forced to run the entire PE class time. That was torture; however, I started losing weight. When I started High School, I weighed about 175-180 (at a short height of 5' 2'' it wasn't good).I very slowly reached the weight of 155-160. It was exciting, I was getting compliments and I was feeling good. Slowly, I started cutting out chips and junk food from my diet. Don't get me wrong, I would still pig out on pancakes and pizza every chance I got, but those times became less frequent. I also started eating salads at lunch. Not a very healthy choice though--sure they had about 1-2lbs of veggies but they also had breaded chicken and were topped off with Ranch dressing. However, whatever I was doing looked to be working as I kept losing weight. By the end of high school I was surprised that I weighed around 136-140 pounds. This to me was soo exciting.

I started college at that same weight, I was pretty confident in myself because I though I was miss "hot stuff". I was getting thinner and I was getting more attention. When at uni, I joined the gym and was consistent in exercising. Nevertheless, I still had (what I consider now) a pretty rubbish diet. It was pizza, nachos, and frozen yogurt. However, I was happy.

The true struggle started around the start of my third year of college. My parents who have never been married by the church decided they were going to do so. So, the typical though that every girl has when a big event comes is, "I want to lose 5 lbs. for the wedding".

Ladies, why is it always five pounds. Why must we lose them? We are trying to celebrate who we are yet we are altering ourselves constantantly.

So I started to diet, it was an innocent gesture. My parents paid no attention to it because it was being taken in a healthy approach. I started researching dieting and exercising. I then discovered calorie counting. To this day I think that counting calories is what lead to my derail. I started off limiting my calories (this was the summer before my fall semester of my third year of college) to about 1500 a day. I was steadily losing weight. I was getting huge compliments from my friends and coworkers. I was receiving much more attention from males. I was soon building my self-esteem. That’s how it starts--you feed that little demon who lives inside of you. I have no idea how much weight I loss, however I was on the right track, yet I wasn't achieving the weight loss fast enough.

When school started, I stepped on the scale. I don't remember what that number said however, I don't necessarily think that I was pleased with it. Then I started going to the gym more often and restricting my calories more. Because I was at uni for long hours it was easy to let my disorder take control. I would often use the excuse that I had already eaten or that I was tired to get out of family meal times. It also made it easier to restrict my calories, as I was only eating about 1200 a day with intense exercise. I was still getting results, however I was sad that they weren’t coming fast enough. I was still being positively reinforced by my peers who haven't seen me in a while and were surprised and envied my weight loss.

I continued, I started to fuel the demon full time. Calorie counting started to consume my time. As ashamed I am to admit, I would spend countless of time thinking about calories and visiting pro-ana and mia sites. I then did the unthinkable; I started to force myself to vomit. Purging is one of the things that disgusted me the most; however it took the edge off of "overeating". I would be a love-hate relationship. I loved the feeling of binging; it gave me the liberty to eat whatever I wanted because I would know I would be able to get rid of it soon. However, when it was time to purge, I would often wonder why I ate in the first place. I especially hated when I ate difficult things to purge such as bread or chips. They would hurt extremely when I would regurgitate them and I always gave up half way. My breath, stomach, esophagus and eyes all were slowly deteriorating due to the pressure. It was horrendous, yet it was a difficult habit to stop.

So in order to save myself from these unpleasant moments, I would just not eat. I was living on 200-400 calories a day. Every day was a new game, seeing how much less (calorie wise) I could eat. I would wait until night time and consume my one lousy meal of a whole bag of baby carrots and consider it a day. I would stay up because I was an insomniac since I couldn't sleep. Often waiting it to be the next day, getting excited at the thought of breakfast time (I never understood why, I didn't allow my starving body to eat).

I was in constant pain. One day, I asked my mom to massage my shoulder, which required me to lift up my shirt. My mom saw my boney body and told me to stop. That I better start eating or that I was going to be in more pain. I was about 108lbs then. I agreed and told her I was trying to start eating again. Little did she know that I still planned on losing more weight? I was still unsatisfied with my fat body.

Then, at one point I became so consumed with the disorder that I could hardly think of anything else.  I spent every minute thinking about exercise and food. I even got frustrated when people would eat around me, it made me nauseous, uncomfortable and mad. MAD that they got to eat these delicious treats and I deserved none because I wasn't skinny enough to eat. I angered me, I would have fits when people would eat around me, I didn't think it was fair.

My insomnia was worse than ever, I would stay awake late at night, my belly rumbling because it was empty and the thought of eating the next day gave me some comfort. However, no food would arrive the next day. This vicious cycle would torment me on a daily basis.

I was down to 98 pounds or so. It was driving me crazy because I was a stick. A literal stick, wind resistance would catch me off guard. I didn't care though. I still wanted to lose weight. I felt that I was not at the perfect size yet. There was no one to set me out of my ways. I was uncomfortable in my own body and in my life. I didn't want to be around my family however, I didn't want to be by myself. I hated everything. There was no joy for me; I was obsessed with this online community who cared nothing about me. I wanted to know everything about losing weight and I felt jealous when others were losing and I wasn't. It became some type of competition. I would try to eat fewer calories than anyone around me. It was horrible.

I had signed up for a 5k run because I had to participate in an outside event for my jogging class. My mom said if it wasn't for school, I wouldn't have been allowed to go. I signed up, and the morning of the race I weighed in at 91.6 lbs. YES!!!! I had lost weight and that was the lowest it had ever been. I allowed myself breakfast which was fruit, yogurt, and granola. I ate but immediately after felt guilty so I threw it up. I knew that I was going out to eat with my best friend and didn't want to "overindulge". I ran my race, I thought I did well. However, I didn't even stick around to enjoy the after party because there was so much food and snacks available that I didn't want to give into temptation. I left the event. Lonely and miserable, I went to work and just existed the rest of the day till dinner.

Because, that’s what I did. I simply just existed. I had no personality. I had a huge temper problem and no one wanted to be around me because I was a life sucker. My mom hardly ever talked to me. I was on an edge. I was high off my own self-inflicted disease. I was out of control and I didn't know how to stop. I wanted to be normal so bad, but I couldn't.

One day, I was so sick of everything, I just confessed to my mom. She was firm and explained that she knew everything. She knew I was sick. She knew I was killing myself. However, she couldn't help me. I needed to help myself because she didn't know how. She said she would be there every step of the way. Emotionally, I was so weak. Mentally, I destroyed my mother. She was frail and unknowing of the situation. She didn't know what to do. She wanted me to get better so bad; however, I didn't know how. She asked if I wanted treatment. But the one thing that never left me was my pride. I didn't want to admit defeat, so I told her I would do it all alone, without treatment. She said she would help me in any possible way that she could.

I finally got help from my mom. She and I have been through so much. I think I killed both of us inside. But slowly we both have been dealing with the problems. Weight is something we tend not to judge anymore, she tells me I’m perfect and healthy now. She just encourages me to eat all the time. She respects that I am vegan.

I am weight-restored; however, it doesn't mean that I am satisfied with my body. I do still have issues; however, they are not as daunting. Instead of "I wish I weighed 10 lbs. less" its, "I want to be able to run 15 miles non-stop" or "I want to make my calves huge and strong". I am concentrating more on muscle build-up instead of weight. I no longer count calories and glad to say I actually have a personality now. I got over a negative place in my life and now I emerged a strong individual. I was able to complete a whole marathon because I am healthy. I would not have been able to do that if I was weak and frail. I thank my mom for all the love and support that she gave me. I love my sisters who think I am perfect regardless of all my flaws. I thank my best-friend for supporting me and always being there to talk to. I thank my family who was sooo concerned. Through this situation I learned who my real friends were. To be honest, there isn't very much.

Life if full of experiences and emotional trauma. However, it takes a strong individual to face the challenge of everyday life and survive the pressures placed on them as a warrior. This has been a life-changing experience; I try to appreciate life with more. I enjoy waking up and challenging myself every day. I do push myself to the limit, but I try to do it in a healthy way.

Eating disorders are a serious health illness; however there is a way out. It takes a strong and determined team to stop it. If you know anyone showing signs of and eating disorder please help before they are too self-consumed in the disease.

Symptoms of possible disorder:

-refusal to eat

-restrictive diet

-unexplained weight loss

-rapid mood swings

-hiding food

-going to the restroom or taking a shower immediately after eating

-eating fast

-eating too slow (just stirring the food on their plate over and over again)

*the above are things that I though off, the following list is from online sources:

Dramatic weight loss Wearing loose, bulky clothes to hide weight loss Preoccupation with food, dieting, counting calories, etc. Refusal to eat certain foods, such as carbs or fats Avoiding mealtimes or eating in front of others Preparing elaborate meals for others but refusing to eat them Exercising excessively Making comments about being “fat” Stopping menstruating Complaining about constipation or stomach pain Denying that extreme thinness is a problem (webmd).