Something that is
growing extremely common in society is the high rise of individuals growing
with eating disorders. I can first handedly say that it’s something horrible to
talk/think about. I used to suffer from anorexia athletica. As in a previous
post, my drive for perfection left me with a deadly disease. However, I got
help before it spiraled out of control.
So first thing is first.
I grew up as a fat kid. No, not chubby, not baby fat, I was classified as
obese. I joke about it now, but reflecting on what was happening, it’s not a
funny situation. I was letting myself deteriorate and was eating myself into a
grave. I was an adolescent, never very social, I hated athletics. My favorite
past-time was eating. I would race home from school and eat a full sized bag of
Doritos and sit in front of the television and drown a 2 liter bottle of Coke
for hours on end. I would eat everything that was considered bad; cupcakes,
granola, ice cream, popcorn, sugar laden snacks. Everything that was sweet and
gooey didn't stand a chance. I loved fast food. I looked forward to food.
Then in high school I
started exercising. I dreaded "marathon Mondays" where we were forced
to run the entire PE class time. That was torture; however, I started losing
weight. When I started High School, I weighed about 175-180 (at a short height
of 5' 2'' it wasn't good).I very slowly reached the weight of 155-160. It was
exciting, I was getting compliments and I was feeling good. Slowly, I started
cutting out chips and junk food from my diet. Don't get me wrong, I would still
pig out on pancakes and pizza every chance I got, but those times became less
frequent. I also started eating salads at lunch. Not a very healthy choice
though--sure they had about 1-2lbs of veggies but they also had breaded chicken
and were topped off with Ranch dressing. However, whatever I was doing looked
to be working as I kept losing weight. By the end of high school I was
surprised that I weighed around 136-140 pounds. This to me was soo exciting.
I started college at
that same weight, I was pretty confident in myself because I though I was miss
"hot stuff". I was getting thinner and I was getting more attention.
When at uni, I joined the gym and was consistent in exercising. Nevertheless, I
still had (what I consider now) a pretty rubbish diet. It was pizza, nachos,
and frozen yogurt. However, I was happy.
The true struggle
started around the start of my third year of college. My parents who have never
been married by the church decided they were going to do so. So, the typical
though that every girl has when a big event comes is, "I want to lose 5 lbs.
for the wedding".
Ladies, why is it always
five pounds. Why must we lose them? We are trying to celebrate who we are yet
we are altering ourselves constantantly.
So I started to diet, it
was an innocent gesture. My parents paid no attention to it because it was
being taken in a healthy approach. I started researching dieting and
exercising. I then discovered calorie counting. To this day I think that
counting calories is what lead to my derail. I started off limiting my calories
(this was the summer before my fall semester of my third year of college) to
about 1500 a day. I was steadily losing weight. I was getting huge compliments
from my friends and coworkers. I was receiving much more attention from males.
I was soon building my self-esteem. That’s how it starts--you feed that little
demon who lives inside of you. I have no idea how much weight I loss, however I
was on the right track, yet I wasn't achieving the weight loss fast enough.
When school started, I
stepped on the scale. I don't remember what that number said however, I don't
necessarily think that I was pleased with it. Then I started going to the gym
more often and restricting my calories more. Because I was at uni for long
hours it was easy to let my disorder take control. I would often use the excuse
that I had already eaten or that I was tired to get out of family meal times.
It also made it easier to restrict my calories, as I was only eating about 1200
a day with intense exercise. I was still getting results, however I was sad
that they weren’t coming fast enough. I was still being positively reinforced
by my peers who haven't seen me in a while and were surprised and envied my
weight loss.
I continued, I started
to fuel the demon full time. Calorie counting started to consume my time. As
ashamed I am to admit, I would spend countless of time thinking about calories
and visiting pro-ana and mia sites. I then did the unthinkable; I started to
force myself to vomit. Purging is one of the things that disgusted me the most;
however it took the edge off of "overeating". I would be a love-hate
relationship. I loved the feeling of binging; it gave me the liberty to eat
whatever I wanted because I would know I would be able to get rid of it soon.
However, when it was time to purge, I would often wonder why I ate in the first
place. I especially hated when I ate difficult things to purge such as bread or
chips. They would hurt extremely when I would regurgitate them and I always
gave up half way. My breath, stomach, esophagus and eyes all were slowly
deteriorating due to the pressure. It was horrendous, yet it was a difficult
habit to stop.
So in order to save
myself from these unpleasant moments, I would just not eat. I was living on
200-400 calories a day. Every day was a new game, seeing how much less (calorie
wise) I could eat. I would wait until night time and consume my one lousy meal
of a whole bag of baby carrots and consider it a day. I would stay up because I
was an insomniac since I couldn't sleep. Often waiting it to be the next day,
getting excited at the thought of breakfast time (I never understood why, I
didn't allow my starving body to eat).
I was in constant pain.
One day, I asked my mom to massage my shoulder, which required me to lift up my
shirt. My mom saw my boney body and told me to stop. That I better start eating
or that I was going to be in more pain. I was about 108lbs then. I agreed and
told her I was trying to start eating again. Little did she know that I still
planned on losing more weight? I was still unsatisfied with my fat body.
Then, at one point I
became so consumed with the disorder that I could hardly think of anything
else. I spent every minute thinking about exercise and food. I even got
frustrated when people would eat around me, it made me nauseous, uncomfortable
and mad. MAD that they got to eat these delicious treats and I deserved none
because I wasn't skinny enough to eat. I angered me, I would have fits when
people would eat around me, I didn't think it was fair.
My insomnia was worse
than ever, I would stay awake late at night, my belly rumbling because it was
empty and the thought of eating the next day gave me some comfort. However, no
food would arrive the next day. This vicious cycle would torment me on a daily
basis.
I was down to 98 pounds
or so. It was driving me crazy because I was a stick. A literal stick, wind
resistance would catch me off guard. I didn't care though. I still wanted to
lose weight. I felt that I was not at the perfect size yet. There was no one to
set me out of my ways. I was uncomfortable in my own body and in my life. I
didn't want to be around my family however, I didn't want to be by myself. I
hated everything. There was no joy for me; I was obsessed with this online
community who cared nothing about me. I wanted to know everything about losing
weight and I felt jealous when others were losing and I wasn't. It became some
type of competition. I would try to eat fewer calories than anyone around me.
It was horrible.
I had signed up for a 5k
run because I had to participate in an outside event for my jogging class. My
mom said if it wasn't for school, I wouldn't have been allowed to go. I signed
up, and the morning of the race I weighed in at 91.6 lbs. YES!!!! I had lost
weight and that was the lowest it had ever been. I allowed myself breakfast
which was fruit, yogurt, and granola. I ate but immediately after felt guilty
so I threw it up. I knew that I was going out to eat with my best friend and
didn't want to "overindulge". I ran my race, I thought I did well.
However, I didn't even stick around to enjoy the after party because there was
so much food and snacks available that I didn't want to give into temptation. I
left the event. Lonely and miserable, I went to work and just existed the rest
of the day till dinner.
Because, that’s what I
did. I simply just existed. I had no personality. I had a huge temper problem
and no one wanted to be around me because I was a life sucker. My mom hardly
ever talked to me. I was on an edge. I was high off my own self-inflicted
disease. I was out of control and I didn't know how to stop. I wanted to be
normal so bad, but I couldn't.
One day, I was so sick
of everything, I just confessed to my mom. She was firm and explained that she
knew everything. She knew I was sick. She knew I was killing myself. However,
she couldn't help me. I needed to help myself because she didn't know how. She
said she would be there every step of the way. Emotionally, I was so weak.
Mentally, I destroyed my mother. She was frail and unknowing of the situation.
She didn't know what to do. She wanted me to get better so bad; however, I
didn't know how. She asked if I wanted treatment. But the one thing that never
left me was my pride. I didn't want to admit defeat, so I told her I would do
it all alone, without treatment. She said she would help me in any possible way
that she could.
I finally got help from
my mom. She and I have been through so much. I think I killed both of us
inside. But slowly we both have been dealing with the problems. Weight is
something we tend not to judge anymore, she tells me I’m perfect and healthy
now. She just encourages me to eat all the time. She respects that I am vegan.
I am weight-restored;
however, it doesn't mean that I am satisfied with my body. I do still have issues;
however, they are not as daunting. Instead of "I wish I weighed 10 lbs.
less" its, "I want to be able to run 15 miles non-stop" or
"I want to make my calves huge and strong". I am concentrating more
on muscle build-up instead of weight. I no longer count calories and glad to
say I actually have a personality now. I got over a negative place in my life
and now I emerged a strong individual. I was able to complete a whole marathon
because I am healthy. I would not have been able to do that if I was weak and
frail. I thank my mom for all the love and support that she gave me. I love my
sisters who think I am perfect regardless of all my flaws. I thank my
best-friend for supporting me and always being there to talk to. I thank my
family who was sooo concerned. Through this situation I learned who my real friends
were. To be honest, there isn't very much.
Life if full of
experiences and emotional trauma. However, it takes a strong individual to face
the challenge of everyday life and survive the pressures placed on them as a
warrior. This has been a life-changing experience; I try to appreciate life
with more. I enjoy waking up and challenging myself every day. I do push myself
to the limit, but I try to do it in a healthy way.
Eating disorders are a
serious health illness; however there is a way out. It takes a strong and
determined team to stop it. If you know anyone showing signs of and eating
disorder please help before they are too self-consumed in the disease.
Symptoms of possible
disorder:
-refusal to eat
-restrictive diet
-unexplained weight loss
-rapid mood swings
-hiding food
-going to the restroom
or taking a shower immediately after eating
-eating fast
-eating too slow (just stirring
the food on their plate over and over again)
*the above are things
that I though off, the following list is from online sources:
Dramatic weight loss
Wearing loose, bulky clothes to hide weight loss Preoccupation with food,
dieting, counting calories, etc. Refusal to eat certain foods, such as carbs or
fats Avoiding mealtimes or eating in front of others Preparing elaborate meals
for others but refusing to eat them Exercising excessively Making comments
about being “fat” Stopping menstruating Complaining about constipation or
stomach pain Denying that extreme thinness is a problem (webmd).
Hi Heather, I can really relate to your story. Im 16 and have been suffering from bulimia for over 2 years. I've wasted so much time and energy on my eating disorder I wish I could of found the high carb vegan movement before I got sucked into this mess. I know what you mean about no longer having a personality, how food and weight loss becomes your obsession and how we develop this identity as being thin and secretly sick. I find it hard to let go as it has been such a huge part of my life. My eating disorder was my only friend for years, the only thing that helped me cope when I had no one else. After so long I could feel myself slipping away, I went from 180 pounds at 5'8'' to 102 pounds. I was so so weak, my bones and teeth ached constantly, I forced myself to stay up really late for months on end binging and purging, I was always cold, I was a manipulative liar and lashed out a lot, I would go into shock a lot from throwing up and once I couldn't control my hands they curled up, I was shaking, my heart was racing and I couldn't stand up I was scared for my life but still I didn't give up bulimia. My family hated me and would taunt me for eating and wasting so much food. I wanted someone to save me from this hell but I was the only one who could save myself. I did a lot of research and finally found 30banansaday, i'm slowly recovering I slip up every once and awhile but im learning what triggers me to do so like not eating enough. My biggest struggle now is having enough fruit and potatoes so I don't go back to unhealthy cooked vegan(which triggers my ed). It's been a couple months since starting recovery and I already feel so much better I have the energy to have fun and do things with my little sister and mom and im learning to cope in healthy ways, like yoga and gardening and loving my cats. I know how it can be hard giving up that part of you that made you feel different from everyone but I believe we can feel this way from eating high carb vegan and specifically raw because there is so little of us out here. I don't want to be sick anymore, I'm striving to be the healthiest I can possibly be and heal my body from all the horrible abuse I have put it through. I really admire you for having the strength to reach out and heal yourself. I hope all is well, sending you love from a fellow sufferer. Sincerely, Samantha.
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